Do you ever just sit and think about things? I am beginning to come to the realization I should not do that. One of my exes once said I have and active mind. I never really understood what he meant by that till recently. When I am just sitting thinking my mind races from one thing to another, sometimes without a visual bridge between them. But somehow inside my mind they are related. Some of the thoughts running round in my head are good memories from my past. Some of the thoughts are dreams of the future. Some of them are memories of things I wish I could change from the past, but sense I can not I have not use for these memories other then to learn from them and not make that mistake again. Other thoughts are of how my life would have been different if only one thing in it had been different. An example of something I think about a lot in those thought full times is my sister. She was a few year older then me and died from a hole in her heart when she was only 3 weeks old. My mom told us about the morning she died so many times it runs like a movie in my head. It is as though I was there seeing it unfold before my eyes. One of my other sisters said she did that to make her real to us younger ones that never met her so we would remember we had another sister after mom was gone. I have often wondered had she lived would she have looked like my oldest sister, and how would my life have been changed by her life. I would have had a sister nearer to my age I could have had a bond with. If she had lived there is a chance I would not have had as much love from my father as I did. You see I believe my dad blamed himself for her death even though he did nothing to cause it. The morning she was born when he went in to see my mom he said to her " You and your damn girls." They had only one son at that point. Well 3 weeks later she was dead from a hole in her heart. I think my dad thought the good lord took her back because he did not want her. Dad was not the same after her death. I am told he started drinking more.
When I came along several years later, Dad used to pay extra attention to me. I loved being with my daddy. When my baby brother came along 4 years later I remember the morning we went to get mom at the hospital. It was a cold January day. While we were waiting for the nurse to bring mom out I asked dad what the baby was a boy or a girl. He told me it was a little boy. Then he added he had hoped it would be another little girl like me but it was a boy. When I grew up and had time to think about what he had said and what had happened when my sister was born it dawned on me he thought my birth was God forgiving what he said about my sister and giving him a second chance. I feel like he gave me all the love he thought he should have given her. So it is possible if she had lived my dad and I would not have been as close as we were. He learned from his mistake. I do not believe God would kill your child just because you were not grateful to have that sex child, but I think dad may have thought that, and when he got the second chance to love baby girl he was not going to mess it up.
I was thinking about something my niece said to me the other day. She said my nephew told her he knows he is not going to live to be very old, and the sad part is he is probably right. He has fought cancer 4 times and the third time we nearly lost him. I really hate to think about losing him. We just lost his mom and dad in 2016. I really do not want to lose him too. I have always loved my nephew. He has always had the best smile and a odd sense of humor. For Christmas the year we nearly lost him he got me a farting teddy bear. It has a remote control. He and my brother were having lots of fun watching me trying to figure out what triggered it to fart. Finally I flipped it over and opened the battery compartment to shut it off and put it away. When I went to put it in my box he said to me "Don't you think you should take the remote too?" and handed me the remote control. I do not know if they did not think I would be smart enough to know I could shut it off at the battery pack of what, but I have many animated figures. I know how a battery pack works lol.
Remember I said my thoughts jump randomly sometimes? Sometimes I think about the theory that there are multiple distentions and that everything that can happen has happened in one of them. If this was true that would mean in at least 3 of them I am dead already, but in at least one of them my brother , mother and father are still alive. Maybe not all in the same detention though. I told you my mind works randomly and thoughts do not always connect visually.
This is why I really think I should stop just sitting and thinking sometimes. My mind is mixed up enough when I am trying to consciously think of things. I really do not need to let it go off on its own.
jane_and.the_dragon
joined:
Worry about your character, not your reputation. Your character is who you are, your reputation is who people think you are.
ht
